happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
