Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
