I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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