dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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