Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
