I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
