I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
