Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
