I cockslap morals
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
