I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he thought i was a dude.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you inspire me to be a worse person
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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