i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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