im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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