i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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