bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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