my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The uberlube is also flammable
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
