I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
