Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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