Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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