Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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