Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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