Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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