No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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