can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
