1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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