some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
