??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
