omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Randomize
