The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
