watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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