I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
