i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize