The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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