It's Friday. Sex?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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