You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Randomize
