All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
