if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize