oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
