Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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