dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
