so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
