My sheets look like a crime scene.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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