On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
porn star boner night. come get it.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You ruined the universe
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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