I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
smell my finger.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
