It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
