I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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