soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
