At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I think my moral compass just broke
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
