i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Randomize
