my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
