so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I want to be your penis for a week.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize