Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
