yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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