This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
