so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
