If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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