I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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