I think I died a long time ago.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
