Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
