My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
