Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
