Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
