All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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