I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
either way he was missing a nipple.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
