I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
