what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
