Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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