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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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