I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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